That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
