I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize