Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
