She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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