Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
