It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize