she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
