Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
