'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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