well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
