would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Terrible idea I love it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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