did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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