Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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