I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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