You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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