he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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