OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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