if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
