he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
