Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
