just tell him i said nine months
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
