mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
