Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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