I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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