My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
this will be a night to untag.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
