i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
