I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
