how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
