Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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