bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
