i think my tv is drunk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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