the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
