U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
