i wish my penis had a tongue
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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