I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
