just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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