I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
