Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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