Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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