no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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