absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
