He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
