So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
