Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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