I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
