Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's never too late to be topless.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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