you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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