maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
