you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize