one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I stole a fireplace last night.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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