God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
