Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
