I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
