I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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