I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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