this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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