Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
