Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
