she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
