saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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